2010-04-29T12:14:00.007-04:00

I probably should have posted this awhile ago:Anyways, this blog is dead. As you noticed, no doubt. And if anyone sees this- hi! Thanks for still checking up! I've changed a bit since writing this, but anyways, I have a new blog:http://chartreuseflamethrower.wordpress.com/Thank you for reading this, and I'll leave it here for posterity. Or something.

2008-08-05T18:57:00.002-04:00

I don't understand girls. That's kind of why I'm where I am (well, it's really just a symptom). I don't understand people who want to get married and feel their life is incomplete without a fence and a dog and a mess of young'ins runnin' round, that feels like too much constraint. I don't understand religion or folks who think they're better than you because THEY worship [deity].So I can't

Internet Stealth

2008-07-22T21:39:00.002-04:00

You can not google my birth name (current legal name). You can, really, but you won't get me. You'll get someone with [last name] and someone else with [first name] and I've even seen my [first middle] as [first last]. As soon as you add in the quotes, there are no results.I am proud of this. I knew a girl who would google herself and get a jolt of pride at all the pictures up. I google

Kitty

2008-07-11T16:22:00.003-04:00

I love my cats. I've had them since before kindergarten and, being a socially awkward only child, ended up caring for them more than I do anyone or thing else. But this is about my cancer-kitty. He's not really a cancer kitty anymore. For a few years a benign tumor had been growing on the knee of his good back leg (the other had been chomped in 2 and now has a plate). It eventually got so big

Sweetie

2008-07-07T13:12:00.002-04:00

I don't really look like a teenage boy. I'm 5'2, have a feminine face, and my blonde hair makes it so that even if I could grow something of a girl-mustache, it'd mostly blend in with my face like my arm hair does to my arm. But, I'd like to think that when I'm read as a girl I pass as the 17 year old girl I shouldn't be. Or at least as a teenager. So, when I get called something that implies

people...

2008-07-05T01:27:00.003-04:00

I don't understand some people. I know that you should try to be polite and all, but there's polite and then there's cruel. If you don't like someone, what's the point of putting on a grin and acting like their friend only to bitch about them behind their back? Wouldn't it be better to just try and seperate yourself? Be polite but distant? Or just not talk about them like that?

why did we bring her?

2008-06-13T12:37:00.002-04:00

So today, for pretty much the first time, mom came to the campus with us for one of those stupid admitted student days. ... >_

graduation gift

2008-06-07T23:39:00.002-04:00
So, just opened my graduation gift from mom. It's a CD from someone that's pretty religious, Martina. Christianity and me react like matter and anti-matter, but she keeps insisting I'm Catholic. So, okay then. I've heard one of her songs, she's not bad or anything, I can live with references to Jesus and sin even though they're in English so I can't deny it, but here's what gets me.She's a

2008-06-07T14:45:00.002-04:00
Fear gu aois, is bean gu bàs -- A son is a son until he comes of age; a daughter is a daughter all her lifeApparently gaelic or something, tattoo idea I stumbled on (no tattoo for Ryan! Ryan hasn't the pain tolerance!). Heh. All I can think is "now you can say 'daddy's little girl' in two different languages!" But, yeah, seriously. Did they disown males after they came of age, or is this just

cowardice

2008-06-07T13:28:00.002-04:00
Meh... I missed a pretty good chance to come out to a friend. I wore definitely guy clothing to graduation (pants, shirt, tie, boots as opposed to dress and heels). So, a friend asked why I went in "guy mode". I paused, not really sure if I should explain or not. Decided not to and just left it at "well, htere's a complicated answer"Yeah, I could've explained it. but it's graduation. We're

Two-oh?! Oh-eight!

2008-06-07T08:51:00.001-04:00
I hate wearing anything formal. I really do. I feel like a little kid playing dress up. That this shirt and tie feel a bit big isn't helping that any, either (are ties supposed to go past your belt? I'm inclined to say "no").On a "let's give mom a few *more* reasons to kill me" whim, I decided to try and look as masculine as was possible with what I have. I really don't know if it worked

Ugh

2008-06-02T15:03:00.002-04:00
I just saw a picture of me from the start of this school year. >_< guh, I looked so much like a girl. Not girly or anything, but definitely a girl. How could I stand it?

2008-06-01T01:55:00.002-04:00
Example 1:If a bio-male with a mortage, a wife, 3 kids and still paying off a car decides hie is no longer willing to deceive hymself and everyone around hym - and comes out as a transgender woman - what do you think usually happens (in the enlightened societies we live in) ?Hie usually (98% of the time) loses everything.The lot.The (bio-male) tg woman is on a fast trackto living on the streets,

Make up your damn mind

2008-05-29T11:59:00.001-04:00
If I'm not old enough to say I'm asexual or be totally positive transitioning is a good idea for me, how am I a mature adult capable of all the responsibilities?

2008-05-23T22:33:00.002-04:00
I love conventions. I used a bathroom with multiple stalls for the first time (all the others were the kind where you could lock the door) today. Now for the good part.I'm cross-dressing. I used the men's room in a corset, skirt, heels, and make-up. I got a weird look but no comments (dude was talking on his cell in the restroom and I'm the one that's weird?). The only way that could've

Calc fun

2008-05-22T09:57:00.002-04:00
Earlier in Calculus Maia gave a long discussion about how if we just had a white guy in our pod we'd have some osrt of racial ratio (Maia & me are white, Fola black, Andrew asian).   Today we had this fun conversationMaia: (on Andrew's two pierced ears) now you can dress as a girl for halloween!Andrew: I wouldn't want to dress as a girl!Me: why not? It's fun!Andrew: Yeah, but you dress as a girl

2008-05-21T10:16:00.003-04:00
The ideal male is fully autonomous- financially, physically, and especially emotionally. He must be capable of standing alone, and he must struggle and even fight to protect what is his- property, reputation, and family. He must never reveal his vulnerability, and he must eschew all things feminine, including personality traits that are associated with femininity. -Men & Masculinities (under

2008-05-20T22:07:00.005-04:00
I may have just found heaven. It was in the library. As expected, no dinosaurs. (the bible belt tried to make me Christian and I turned weirdo Satanic with his own version of creation. I don't think anyone'd like it.)There's a section on gender study and sexuality and stuff, including a book on "Men and Masculinity". Sounds stupid, but anything with Alan Alda and Peter Pan have gotta be

2008-05-18T22:51:00.002-04:00
19 days until graduation10 are actual class days/exams (good luck keeping me here on weekends or that stupid 3 day after-exam-before-graduation period)This weekend is a con that's sure to cheer me up.So why does it feel like I'll be stuck in this hell forever?

Name

2008-05-17T22:38:00.003-04:00
No matter what last name I think of, there is a Ryan for it. Every freaking one. I mean, I knew it was common, but gahramit EVERY DAMN NAME?!>_< If I thought I could, I'd try to get a less common name. But nuuuu, my brain demands Ryan. Stupid brain with it's name preferences. *sigh* Ah well. I think I've got a name. Even though the middle name still needs work, and my last name isn't

Nahdlee

2008-05-17T20:08:00.003-04:00
Apparently, in Native American tribes, the third gender (Nahdlee) was an effeminate (biologically) male and the fourth gender (Delbah) was a masculine (biologically) woman. This kind of throws me into a bit of curiosity. I'm a bit effeminate. Not girly in the sense of wanting to be a girl or being a girl or anything, but I can't see myself as being all that masculine and there are a lot of

Damnit

2008-05-17T17:48:00.002-04:00
It's officially too hot to bind with any semblance of comfort. It's only going to get hotter. It's funny how much of my time I spend screwed, what with the asexuality and all. (yes, I'm certain it's asexual and not demisexual)On the bright side- I finally got my mango.  It'll take awhile to get used to wearing it, and then some time to make sure mom never sees it, but I'm still happy.

School... it is taunting me.

2008-05-16T22:52:00.004-04:00
So, school sent out that there'll be an oppurtunity to record the pronunciation of your name for graduation. ...The only thing stopping me from saying that S-H-A-N-N-O-N is pronounced "Ryan" is that it's probably bad form to cheer while accepting your diploma.

2008-05-16T18:53:00.002-04:00
I haven't been passing lately. I haven't really changed anything about my appearance, and I can think of a few hundred reasons for it, but I don't know if these are reasons or just ways to live in a state of denial and pretend I'd pass if it weren'tf or whatever. It just sucks.

Eh

2008-05-15T10:14:00.003-04:00
You get blood out of clothes by pretreating the stain then freezing it until you wash it, right? I hope so. I'll be really annoyed if I stained my pants.Anyways... As it turns out, doodles are bad for your health. First you start drawing something. Then you add something else. Then you start fleshing the picture out while you flesh out the personality. Now you start figuring out a

I didn't write it.

2008-05-14T22:12:00.001-04:00
I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everydayI am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.We are the parents who buried our daughter long before

Forms

2008-05-12T13:17:00.002-04:00
I hate forms. Forms are up there with "things that suck more than anything".My school has one that asks for gender. I'm sure, technically, they want legal sex. But they asked for gender. So I'm torn between "they asked for it, so tell the truth and let them suffer their own idiocy" and "what if this makes things more difficult and I'm notsure if I want to come out like this". yup.

w00t

2008-05-11T22:48:00.006-04:00
Told my second friend I'm trans. And (unlike the other idiot) they were really awesome about it. :D They're highschool's apparently pretty friendly to LGBT people, which is awesome. Kinda wish I was there. Oh well. :/ Also, this would seriously suck: "The condition precocious puberty has caused menstruation to occur in girls as young as eight months old." (quote from Wiki, article from

2008-05-10T00:48:00.004-04:00
Refusing to even try to accept your child should be considered child abuse. Any parent that goes around trying to "fix" their kids sexuality, gender, or anything else really shouldn't be a parent. I'ms ure plenty will disagree about this, especially hte more religious, but who you were born to was a random accident. I know the biology of it isn't, but if a person isn't willing to consider that

fibroids

2008-05-09T11:26:00.005-04:00
So, I don't know for sure, but I've got a feeling I might have fibroids. Or at least that something's wrong down there. Fibroids would make sense, though. I don't know what 'heavy flow' is, don't pay attention, but some of hte other symptoms I have and it'd explain why my periods went from pain free to excruciating in just a few years. And if not, well, it might turn out to be something else

Y'all are idiots, even thee.

2008-05-08T12:43:00.002-04:00
Why do people waste so much time trying to find a PC gender neutral pronoun, when 2nd person singular would be so much more useful for the entire population?Also: If no one gets insulted being called one plural pronoun (you), they shouldn't bitch about one more (they).

the AP Exam strikes back

2008-05-07T17:19:00.000-04:00
Today I had to take the Calculus AP. 4 sections, about 45-55 minutes each. Should've taken 3 hours 15 minutes, I'd be out by 11:30 to have a nice, leisurely hour and a half for lunch and recuperation before my German quiz- right? WRONG! Somehow it managed to go over so it took more than 4.5 hours. Guh. If they'd let me sit down, take it, and leave- I probably would've been out by 10:45.

Only after one thing

2008-05-06T19:11:00.003-04:00
I should never have picked up a Clockwork Orange today. Not this close to exams... Anyways, {spoiler}I just got to the part where Alex raped those two 10 yo. 10. He's only 15, I know, but still. That's a bit pathetic.{/spoiler} And I know that not all guys would do something so horrible, logically I know he's psycho and an exception. But there's this annoying little bit of my brain that's

Don't hit girls

2008-05-06T09:14:00.004-04:00
I don't like sexism, even the "positive" stuff like "I'd never hit a woman". Why? Partly because if a girl is beating the snot out of a boy- he shouldn't get in trouble for defending himself. But it's more because I dislike bullying in general.It shouldn't be "I'd never hit a girl." It should be "I'd never hit anyone". No violence against women is a good thing, really it is. But why are we

I just really love Calpernia

2008-05-05T23:06:00.001-04:00
VideoJug: Transgender: What Does It Mean?

2008-05-05T12:36:00.003-04:00
Hate school. Hate comics. Hate contests. Hate everything that eats up my time.Guh, for about a week now I've really wanted to draw my two trans characters (Yes, I'm a horrible person- I've got majority asexual and just 2 transsexual characters.) with the caption "Don't Pass, Just Be". Why? because I'm weird. But I can't right now.I have to draw comics. I have to draw prizes. I SERIOUSLY

Wait.. what?

2008-05-05T11:45:00.004-04:00
First: I hate cutting up fetal pigs. Could we please at least wait for the poor thing to be born and live a good life before we soak it in formaldehyde? Aaanyways. There are two (girls?) at my school that have got some serious androgyny going on. One looks seriously like a guy, the other you can see the girl but looks more male. No idea if either are trans, lesbian, whatever. Just saying

13

2008-05-01T07:33:00.002-04:00
I have a certain amount of loathing for anyone that starts transition before/at the start of puberty. Not like "dammnit, why couldn't I..." because I know the long list of answers. I just wish they had to go through it. I want to force the wrong puberty on the cisgendered. There are certain things in life everyone should experience. One of them is menstruation, the other is the wrong puberty

The problem

2008-04-29T15:04:00.005-04:00
The problem with transitioning is that you can change your legal sex, even on your birth certificate, but you can't change your entire bone structure. Since bone structure is used to identify sex (among other things)- legally being female while your bones say 'male', well, if there's not enough left to show you were transsexual this unidentified body'll probably be sitting there wondering why

Name Change

2008-04-28T08:28:00.004-04:00
It is surprisingly hard to find legal information about transitioning in my state. I can't even find what makes you legally allowed to change your sex markers. Anyways, since I'm getting a bit tetchy about copyright law and want to start signing my works, I'd rather change my name within a year so I can start doing that and feel like using my boy name will hold up in court.I mean, not that it's

OBGYN

2008-04-26T22:53:00.003-04:00
My biggest fear is the gynecologist. Sure, I've got a lot of little fears, like bugs and other creepy crawlies, but this is a big one. I have a vague idea of what goes on, and it's horrifying. I think I need one for both T and the hystorectomy. hnnh... hnhnhnhnhnhnnnnn D: I do not like this idea. I don't know what I'm gonna do with this. I want to start T this summer. I do, relaly. I

2008-04-25T22:02:00.003-04:00
I'm sick of fear right now. I really am. It keeps me from telling anyone anything. It keeps me from getting what I want if I can't get it myself. I literally can't say what's on my mind. I go to, I want to, and the words don't come. I can sometimes mouth it, but I don't know many lip-readers so that isn't useful. All it does is get people annoyed with me and demanding why I don't just say

Real Life to Begin

2008-04-25T19:56:00.001-04:00
Any minute now, my ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing Come crashing down down down, on me And you say, be still my love Open up your heart Let the light shine in But don't you understand I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened But in my dreams, I slew the dragon And

Sir

2008-04-24T00:05:00.002-04:00
I was 'sir'd this afternoon. Dad says I've been passing and getting 'he'd for awhile, but this is the first time I've heard it first hand.Unlike the rest of the past 2 weeks, I did not die after getting back from the gym- Ry's getting stronger. And that's with 1/10 the normal level of testosterone (I think that's right).Also- I did about half a trimester worth of reading in 2 hours. I am

2008-04-19T00:41:00.002-04:00
Buh, tired. Too much walking and driving today. Went to the college I'm pretty much definitely going to attend this fall. Nice place, apparently has a 'straight undercurrent' rather than a gay one. Got the whole trans thing presented. Doesn't look like it'll be too big a problem, but nobody's ever transitioned while at that school, either. :/ It'll be interesting, with surgeries and

So many memories.

2008-04-15T19:22:00.003-04:00
Mah poor baby's dieing again. -_- ...of course, when I say baby I mean computer I've had so long that, were it truly a child, it would likely be in 1st or 2nd grade.And when I say dieing I mean, the hard drive's going. :( Almost died completely before going Zombie on me like a good little computer. So I'm getting a replacement tomorrow. And when I say again I mean this is the third or

Mer

2008-04-14T16:20:00.005-04:00
I have discovered the secret to the gym! It is wearing a binder instead of sports bra, going when the weights room is empty, and actually using treadmills. 8 minutes on that thing... still loopy. Or maybe that's just headache. o__OI've been thinking about mermaids lately, since this girl on AVEN said that TSs tend to like mermaids because you can't see anything *down there*. Being 17 and

grar.

2008-04-14T12:03:00.002-04:00
You'd think after... Ok, know what, I haven't actually got a clue how many years I've suffered from this monthly cycle of pain and bleeding. I think it's been at least 5. So, starting again. You'd think after 60+ months I'd actually have the schedule down. You'd think. But, being the stubborn little genius I am, it still catches me by surprise. Ok, actually, I've gotten a bit better at

Mothers

2008-04-12T13:24:00.005-04:00
I am seriously freaking sick of mom. I know, it's hard. But she's not listening to me. She won't accept it. She can't accept it."Just because you're values are different than the girls on your hall, and my sister's... my values were different than my roommate." I didn't realize that taking 'girl' to be a deep insult was a value."I'm sorry you live in a school and society that devalues women"

Pants

2008-04-11T08:17:00.004-04:00
I hate my pants. Not all my pants, just the tight, show-your-figure, flare ones. I hate them. I hate my figure, I hate the constriction, I hate that I can't get the crotch of the jeans far from my crotch (it's just creepy having something right there, especially when I walk), I hate that when I finally decide to pack that it'll be too obvious in these. I hate that I can't wear my pajama pants

Gender Bender

2008-04-09T14:15:00.005-04:00
(yes, as you may've noticed, i tend to babble and put about 5 posts a day. This'll peter out to one a month, then go back to this. I am a sine wave in the world of blogging.)I'm a tad gender-blind. I tend to have a harder time reading genders. I don't think I actually realized that boys don't wear skirts until I got to kindergarten. (I still think something incredibly pivotal happened that

homophobe

2008-04-09T08:49:00.011-04:00
Homophobia is one thing I don't understand. Not the thing itself, but the things that get called homophobic. "I'm not gay, please don't call me that" makes you a homophobe. No, really, it does. I once complained that wearing a rainbow got you called gay and got cursed out for being unsupportive of gays. I was annoyed how people (who almost always seem to be straight and near-homophobes

How To Respect...

2008-04-07T11:28:00.005-04:00
Somebody on Laura's posted this the other day, it's pretty useful for people to know and things most people might not think about/be confused on. ^_^How to Respect a TG Person

Rainbows

2008-04-06T23:58:00.003-04:00
You know all those "to get to the rainbow you have to endure the rain" sayings? Well, as it turns out, they're wrong.A while back I saw a rainbow. Pretty good one, stretched across most of the sky. There hadn't actually been rain in my area in a few days when I saw it, too. So, once in awhile, you get a rainbow and don't actually have to wait through a storm.Then, I happen to like the rain.

Hey

2008-04-06T22:31:00.001-04:00
Hey, if you're reading this it probably means I actually got around to mentioning this elsewhere. Go me. I sort of suck at blogging, and some of this will probably be some FtM (female to male transsexual. Still confused? Call me a boy and we'll get along fine) angst as well, so just a warning there if you think it's wrong or whatever.   So, yeah, a bit about me: I'm 17, a senior in

Ry's Ramblings

Internet Stealth

Dear World

Kitty

Sweetie

people...

why did we bring her?

graduation gift

cowardice

Two-oh?! Oh-eight!

Ugh

Make up your damn mind

Calc fun

Name

Nahdlee

Damnit

School... it is taunting me.

Eh

I didn't write it.

Forms

w00t

fibroids

Y'all are idiots, even thee.

the AP Exam strikes back

Only after one thing

Don't hit girls

I just really love Calpernia

Wait.. what?

13

The problem

Name Change

OBGYN

Real Life to Begin

Sir

So many memories.

Mer

grar.

Mothers

Pants

Gender Bender

homophobe

How To Respect...

Rainbows

Hey