I probably should have posted this awhile ago:
Anyways, this blog is dead. As you noticed, no doubt. And if anyone sees this- hi! Thanks for still checking up! I've changed a bit since writing this, but anyways, I have a new blog:


http://chartreuseflamethrower.wordpress.com/

Thank you for reading this, and I'll leave it here for posterity. Or something.

I don't understand girls.  That's kind of why I'm where I am (well, it's really just a symptom).  I don't understand people who want to get married and feel their life is incomplete without a fence and a dog and a mess of young'ins runnin' round, that feels like too much constraint.  I don't understand religion or folks who think they're better than you because THEY worship [deity].

So I can't help right now.  Every time they say something about their sister getting married, all I want to say is "hope she got a pre-nup".  Every time they say something about how their sister's Bee-Eff-Eff is uncomfortable because they're older than the BFF and unmarried, I want to grin and say she's jealous that somebody wasn't stupid enough to get themselves tied down too soon.  Every time they say that there's no one out there for them, nobody will marry them and they won't get their prince charming, I want to ask why they want one- no, I want to roll my eyes and beat some sense into them that you don't need anyone to be happy and your life shouldn't revolve around someone else's approval.

But I know that's not what they want to hear.  I know that they probably wouldn't like my cynical "marriage never works out, and even if it did- who'd want to be legally stuck to one person forever?" attitude.  Most people probably don't.  I'm sure you can find someone and be happy, but I'm equally sure that the chances of that happen aren't good enough for me to expect that THIS ONE will be hte one that works out.

So, I can't help.  I can't say anything.  Well, I can, but I'd probably make it worse.  So I won't bother.  I'll just sit here digging my toe into the ground and snarling about how you aren't going to be happy if you only like yourself becasue some guy (or girl or other) likes you.

Internet Stealth

You can not google my birth name (current legal name).  You can, really, but you won't get me.  You'll get someone with [last name] and someone else with [first name] and I've even seen my [first middle] as [first last].   As soon as you add in the quotes, there are no results.

I am proud of this.  I knew a girl who would google herself and get a jolt of pride at all the pictures up.  I google myself and get warm fuzzies that there isn't a single site that mentions me.

The current chosen body name (subject to change, although this is unlikely) is not so lucky.  "[first last]"gets over 200 results.  [first middle last] (no quotes) gets a handful.  "[first middle last]" doesn't, but it is a very uncommon middle name that google doesn't think is spelled correctly.   I'm not sure if this is better or worse than having an ungoogle-able name.

Dear World

Sex change operations don't work that way

transgirls aren't boys.

Please stop putting us in the media now, it makes me sad.

kthxbai.

Kitty

I love my cats.  I've had them since before kindergarten and, being a socially awkward only child, ended up caring for them more than I do anyone or thing else.  But this is about my cancer-kitty. 

He's not really a cancer kitty anymore.  For a few years a benign tumor had been growing on the knee of his good back leg (the other had been chomped in 2 and now has a plate).  It eventually got so big that he could barely walk around.  You could tell that it hurt him, but you could also see that if it weren't for that leg he'd be up and about.  The summer before it got to the point were he barely ever got up, he'd managed to climb up the stairs and onto the roof by himself.   I knew that if we could at least find a way to cut the thing down he'd be able to get up again.  So, after what felt like an eternity of asking mom to take him to a freaking vet (I really wanted them to cut it down if they couldn't cut it off), she finally did.   

The oncologist's first question was why we had let it get so bad.  

They of course ran some tests, it didn't look like it had got into the pelvis but they couldn't do anything even if it had (to the pelvis, the leg could be removed but it meant cancer would grow back) and they might not have been able to say that the cancer hadn't spread, I can't remember. 

Then they started talking about surgery.  And cost.  My mom complains about finances so much I was paranoid to spend money or ask for things even before I decided to transition.  During those moments I was terrified she'd say no.  I was forming a mental plan to quit school and get a job if I had to to make the money for Patch to get the damn operation (I hated the place anyways).    Luckily she agreed to it.  

Patch ended up getting rid of my biggest fears about transition.  The first time we were able to visit him, just a few days later,he was doing so much better.  He had lost about 1/2 his body weight (the tumor was that big), was wobbly, had needles for the tubes in him, got stitches, looked funny as heck, probably was still high on pain meds,  and I still think the moron who shaved him scraped him up a bit.  But he was doing better already.  He hop/hobbled around the exam room we ended up visiting him in, and we ended up having to hold the cat who could barely stand comfortably from bolting out the door when someone came in or out.  

This was a limb removed.  He had had cancer and was underweight before it started growing.  All I'm definitely looking at is getting rid of breasts that aren't really vital to anything but growing babes.  Starting in fall I'm going to try and get healthier, in shape, etc, for it so my body'll be in a better place to heal.  If my kitty can deal with all that and still chase flying bugs as if he were a little kitten instead of a 13 yo cancer/dog bite survivor- a little chest surgery better not be able to do too much damage.

Sweetie

I don't really look like a teenage boy.  I'm 5'2, have a feminine face, and my blonde hair makes it so that even if I could grow something of a girl-mustache, it'd mostly blend in with my face like my arm hair does to my arm.  But, I'd like to think that when I'm read as a girl I pass as the 17 year old girl I shouldn't be.  Or at least as a teenager.  

So, when I get called something that implies I'm a young teen/tween/kid, I'm okay with it.  (although getting 'sir'd is a bit odd to me, I never got a 'ma'am' and I'm not sure if I should be glad for passing or confused at the age)  What I'm not okay with is that I can't seem to pass when people know my age, since they can sort of see teenage girl behind the preteen boy, so college will be interesting.

"You go here?  Woah, did you, like, skip 5 grades?!"  "...I'll be 18 in November"  "Oh, sorry, *mumbles to friends that they thought I was a boy*"  "damnit, you were right the first time >_<"   Yeah, joy.    I can't decide if that or "but that's a boy's name" when I introduce myself would be worse.

people...

I don't understand some people.  I know that you should try to be polite and all, but there's polite and then there's cruel.  If you don't like someone, what's the point of putting on a grin and acting like their friend only to bitch about them behind their back?  Wouldn't it be better to just try and seperate yourself?  Be polite but distant?  Or just not talk about them like that?

first- sorry for not being active, not much to say.  

why did we bring her?

So today, for pretty much the first time, mom came to the campus with us for one of those stupid admitted student days. ... >_<

I normally wouldn't mind, but I can't get her to call me a boy and she talks. and talks. and taaallks. To everyone, often mentioning me. Yes, that's wonderful. I now go from having to tell people who don't know me I'm a boy to telling people who not only know me as a girl, but have heard it from my freaking mother. I've got enough to worry about with stupid single-sex locker rooms, and now this. Wonderful, really.

graduation gift

So, just opened my graduation gift from mom.  It's a CD from someone that's pretty religious, Martina.  Christianity and me react like matter and anti-matter, but she keeps insisting I'm Catholic.  So, okay then.  I've heard one of her songs, she's not bad or anything, I can live with references to Jesus and sin even though they're in English so I can't deny it, but here's what gets me.

She's a butterfly, This One's for the girls, reluctant daughter, in my daughter's eyes.  

Yes, I could be digging into this.  Another song is about a girl who's clearly not pure the day before her wedding and "what the %!#@$ is she doing wearing white?!" tone.   When You Love Me: "In your arms I'm free/to just be a woman".  How Far: Basically, what you're doing hurts me, I can't accept it right now, so I'm leaving.  

There's also "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "God's Will".  Both are songs that I'd like except, well, they make me cry.  

I really might be digging into this.  But... she's the one who won't accept it.  If she weren't the person trying to convince me I'm a girl and getting upset over boxers, it'd be okay.  But now it just feels like she's trying an indirect approach.  It sucks.

There are 2 songs with lyrics that are at all tolerable on the subject.  

Fear gu aois, is bean gu bàs -- A son is a son until he comes of age; a daughter is a daughter all her life

Apparently gaelic or something, tattoo idea I stumbled on (no tattoo for Ryan! Ryan hasn't the pain tolerance!). Heh. All I can think is "now you can say 'daddy's little girl' in two different languages!" 

But, yeah, seriously.  Did they disown males after they came of age, or is this just a comment on how women never had freedom?  I'm never good at weird quotes like this.

cowardice

Meh...  I missed a pretty good chance to come out to a friend.  I wore definitely guy clothing to graduation (pants, shirt, tie, boots as opposed to dress and heels).  So, a friend asked why I went in "guy mode".  I paused, not really sure if I should explain or not.  Decided not to and just left it at "well, htere's a complicated answer"

Yeah, I could've explained it. but it's graduation.  We're all moving out, she's the kind that's sad she won't see these people again, it probably sin't really a great time to say "well, actually, I am a boy".  

Two-oh?! Oh-eight!

I hate wearing anything formal.  I really do.  I feel like a little kid playing dress up.   That this shirt and tie feel a bit big isn't helping that any, either (are ties supposed to go past your belt?  I'm inclined to say "no").

On a "let's give mom a few *more* reasons to kill me" whim, I decided to try and look as masculine as was possible with what I have.  I really don't know if it worked any.  I still just feel like I'm pretending and people might ruffle my hair (I hope not, it took forever to get it to stay in place) and chuckle at the kid trying to be a grown-up.  And I'm graduating today.  Aren't I supposed to be feeling old and wise sometime soon?  Diploma powers activate or something?

Ugh

I just saw a picture of me from the start of this school year. >_<  guh, I looked so much like a girl.  Not girly or anything, but definitely a girl.  How could I stand it?

Example 1:
If a bio-male with a mortage, a wife, 3 kids and still paying off a car decides hie is no longer willing to deceive hymself and everyone around hym - and comes out as a transgender woman - what do you think usually happens (in the enlightened societies we live in) ?

Hie usually (98% of the time) loses everything.
The lot.

The (bio-male) tg woman is on a fast track
to living on the streets,
selling her body (which she usually hates!),
risking her life from violence as well as through hiv/aids etc,
usually ending up on drugs
and/or intravenous drugs
- just to get a few $$ together to keep on living.

Her decision to be true to herself, is the right of each and every citizen in society. This unfortunate situation comes from other factors.

It is society's condemnation of what she's decided, that IS the problem here.

Society (for the most part) would rather she slit her throat,
than change her life around, make the changes she needs to make and get on with living.

The way for her to seek some hope,
is to go on Social Security for as long as she needs to
until she's transitioned
(can't get a job with a beard and a dress),
until she's saved for the operation
(can't get male-to-female surgery on medicare)
until she's found suitable housing
(some people -don't- want transgenders renting from them)
until she's back on her feet again.

She is only "dysfunctional" as far as Society has a problem with her.

If Society had no problem with her being who she really is,
then she wouldn't be "dysfunctional".

She'd be able to keep that job,
keep paying the mortgage,
maintain contact with the kids,
transition comfortably on the job,
save for surgery or whatever she wants over time,
keep her friends,
keep her support networks in place,
etc... you get the picture?

It is not the individual who's the problem here.

It's the society at large who has the attitude problem.

IF society hired transgender women as equally as anyone else,
if society allowed transgenders to transition on the job,
if society didn't see/have any problem with bearded women in dresses in the workplace,
if society didn't demand that a woman must never have a penis,
if society didn't throw a transgender on the street,
--- then the transgender "problem" would be solved.

http://astraeasweb.net/plural/mptg.html -it's a site mostly about multiplicity, but this bit is true.  It's not a disorder in the sense that we're a problem- it's a disorder because society creates one.

Make up your damn mind

If I'm not old enough to say I'm asexual or be totally positive transitioning is a good idea for me, how am I a mature adult capable of all the responsibilities?

I love conventions.  I used a bathroom with multiple stalls for the first time (all the others were the kind where you could lock the door) today.  Now for the good part.

I'm cross-dressing.  I used the men's room in a corset, skirt, heels, and make-up.  I got a weird look but no comments  (dude was talking on his cell in the restroom and I'm the one that's weird?).   The only way that could've been awesomer was if my feet didn't hurt so damn much from the heels.

Calc fun

Earlier in Calculus Maia gave a long discussion about how if we just had a white guy in our pod we'd have some osrt of racial ratio (Maia & me are white, Fola black, Andrew asian).   

Today we had this fun conversation

Maia: (on Andrew's two pierced ears) now you can dress as a girl for halloween!

Andrew: I wouldn't want to dress as a girl!

Me: why not?  It's fun!

Andrew: Yeah, but you dress as a girl every... year.

...I had reasons to not come out, right?  Good ones.  Ones that didn't involve my ineptitude at coming out.  Right?  Possibly involving persecution and ignorance and people not believing.

The ideal male is fully autonomous- financially, physically, and especially emotionally.  He must be capable of standing alone, and he must struggle and even fight to protect what is his- property, reputation, and family.  He must never reveal his vulnerability, and he must eschew all things feminine, including personality traits that are associated with femininity.    -Men & Masculinities (under "Androgyny")

...at least the last part doesn't describe me?     >_>   Even when trying to avoid being too masculine I still manage to.   *headsmack* Not sure how to feel about this.

I may have just found heaven.  It was in the library.  As expected, no dinosaurs.  (the bible belt tried to make me Christian and I turned weirdo Satanic with his own version of creation.  I don't think anyone'd like it.)

There's a section on gender study and sexuality and stuff, including a book on "Men and Masculinity".  Sounds stupid, but anything with Alan Alda and Peter Pan have gotta be entertaining.  I couldn't get those books, because the library closed, but I got a cool one about gender-neutral terms.  Basically goes through and takes things like waitress and waiter and gives the gender neutral equivalents.  It's from 1988, so most of them are actually in use- but it's pretty cool seeing that idiots actually look at this stuff.  I can't imagine what feminism would be like if we had nouns with genders.  I can just see it  "Skirt is masculine?!  This is proof that fashion is a male conspiracy to keep people uncomfortable!".  As it turns out, people forget history faster'n anything.

Did anyone know that a packman is a peddler?  I mean, what has that got to do with eating dots and ghosts?  That's just weird.