Hey again

So... it's been awhile.  Yeah.

Since posting, I stopped seeing the therapist because he decided that something meant I couldn't transition until... oh... whenever he decided to.  Seeing as, before, it was "when you're 18", I was displeased. 

I don't think I could deal with a full dose of T, anyways, so that's probably for hte best.  I found something called DHEA (I am not suggesting this!  I'm a silly, silly person, don't listen to me!) and it has similar effects to T.  My shape is definitely less curvy, my acne's psycho, I'm getting a little hairier, etc.  I should probably cut back a bit because I don't want to get anything, find out it's permanent and I didn't want it or that I'm screwing myself up.  But I don't really want to.  I will, though.

Idiots.

I go by a boy's name.  People ask what it's short for- because no way could a girl have a name like that.

I wear a shirt that says "transman" on it, people ask if it's from a TV show.

People ask me if it's weird to have a male (ftm) roommate.

People are told I'm not a girl, and don't believe it.

I don't dress like a girl.  I bind.  I've not seen any girls dressed like me, I dress closer to how the guys do, and dress so you can't see my figure.  I'm short, but I've seen short guys here.  Even from behind I'm misread, so you can't blame my face or voice.  

What the hell am I doing wrong?

I don't understand girls.  That's kind of why I'm where I am (well, it's really just a symptom).  I don't understand people who want to get married and feel their life is incomplete without a fence and a dog and a mess of young'ins runnin' round, that feels like too much constraint.  I don't understand religion or folks who think they're better than you because THEY worship [deity].

So I can't help right now.  Every time they say something about their sister getting married, all I want to say is "hope she got a pre-nup".  Every time they say something about how their sister's Bee-Eff-Eff is uncomfortable because they're older than the BFF and unmarried, I want to grin and say she's jealous that somebody wasn't stupid enough to get themselves tied down too soon.  Every time they say that there's no one out there for them, nobody will marry them and they won't get their prince charming, I want to ask why they want one- no, I want to roll my eyes and beat some sense into them that you don't need anyone to be happy and your life shouldn't revolve around someone else's approval.

But I know that's not what they want to hear.  I know that they probably wouldn't like my cynical "marriage never works out, and even if it did- who'd want to be legally stuck to one person forever?" attitude.  Most people probably don't.  I'm sure you can find someone and be happy, but I'm equally sure that the chances of that happen aren't good enough for me to expect that THIS ONE will be hte one that works out.

So, I can't help.  I can't say anything.  Well, I can, but I'd probably make it worse.  So I won't bother.  I'll just sit here digging my toe into the ground and snarling about how you aren't going to be happy if you only like yourself becasue some guy (or girl or other) likes you.

Hair

As it turns out, pale hair is feminizing.  That or I just look girlier with white hair.  >_>  I am annoyed by this.

Internet Stealth

You can not google my birth name (current legal name).  You can, really, but you won't get me.  You'll get someone with [last name] and someone else with [first name] and I've even seen my [first middle] as [first last].   As soon as you add in the quotes, there are no results.

I am proud of this.  I knew a girl who would google herself and get a jolt of pride at all the pictures up.  I google myself and get warm fuzzies that there isn't a single site that mentions me.

The current chosen body name (subject to change, although this is unlikely) is not so lucky.  "[first last]"gets over 200 results.  [first middle last] (no quotes) gets a handful.  "[first middle last]" doesn't, but it is a very uncommon middle name that google doesn't think is spelled correctly.   I'm not sure if this is better or worse than having an ungoogle-able name.