Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The problem

The problem with transitioning is that you can change your legal sex, even on your birth certificate, but you can't change your entire bone structure.   Since bone structure is used to identify sex (among other things)- legally being female while your bones say 'male', well, if there's not enough left to show you were transsexual this unidentified body'll probably be sitting there wondering why there's no missng 30-40, white males that match it.

Now, I'm not sure where they get the statistics for how many of transsexuals are killed (I've heard one a month) or if those missing are just considered dead after awhile or how any of that works, but the thought that there might be a large drawer of unidentified transsexuals sitting in some morgue, well, it's a bit creepy.

Also kinda sucks, in a way.  No matter how much surgery you get or hormones you take- when they dig you up some thousand years from now they'll still know you by what you were born as.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Name Change

It is surprisingly hard to find legal information about transitioning in my state. I can't even find what makes you legally allowed to change your sex markers.  Anyways, since I'm getting a bit tetchy about copyright law and want to start signing my works, I'd rather change my name within a year so I can start doing that and feel like using my boy name will hold up in court.

I mean, not that it's hard to change oyur name.  I dropped a last name when I was a kid, but it's one thing to drop a last name or go from a somewhat gender neutral (my girl name's not unheard of for guys) to another somewhat gender neutral name.  But, um, I'm pretty sure a girl going to "Ryan" will raise some eyebrows.  So, I don't know when you're supposed to wait or if the law here'll be lame and go "Change your name with your sex".    I stll don't know when I can do that here.

I wouldn't mind waiting- but with this Orphan Works thing the idiots on high are coming up with, I'd rather not add another bit of confusion into the mix.

Saturday, April 26, 2008


My biggest fear is the gynecologist.  Sure, I've got a lot of little fears, like bugs and other creepy crawlies, but this is a big one.  I have a vague idea of what goes on, and it's horrifying.  I think I need one for both T and the hystorectomy.  

hnnh... hnhnhnhnhnhnnnnn  D:  I do not like this idea.  I don't know what I'm gonna do with this.  I want to start T this summer.  I do, relaly.  I want ot be done transitioning before I graduate college.  I know I'll be happy and it'll be naught but a bad dream in a few months, but I'm terrified about the very thought of it.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I'm sick of fear right now.  I really am.  It keeps me from telling anyone anything.  It keeps me from getting what I want if I can't get it myself.  I literally can't say what's on my mind.  I go to, I want to, and the words don't come.  I can sometimes mouth it, but I don't know many lip-readers so that isn't useful.  All it does is get people annoyed with me and demanding why I don't just say what's on my mind.  That's what I'm trying to do. >_<  

 I don't know what's wrong that that keeps happening, but it sucks.  

Real Life to Begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in 
I'll keep checking the horizon 
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing 
Come crashing down down down, on me 

And you say, be still my love 
Open up your heart 
Let the light shine in 
But don't you understand 
I already have a plan 
I'm waiting for my real life to begin 

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened 
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon 
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane 
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again 
And you say, just be here now 
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin 
Let me throw one more dice 
I know that I can win 
I'm waiting for my real life to begin 

Any minute now, my ship is coming in 
I’ll keep checking the horizon 
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call 
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon 
It's just that times are lean 

And you say, be still my love 
Open up your heart, let the light shine in 
Don't you understand 
I already have a plan 
I'm waiting for my real life to begin 

- Colin Hay
Well, I thought it was appropriate.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


I was 'sir'd this afternoon.  Dad says I've been passing and getting 'he'd for awhile, but this is the first time I've heard it first hand.

Unlike the rest of the past 2 weeks, I did not die after getting back from the gym- Ry's getting stronger.  And that's with 1/10 the normal level of testosterone (I think that's right).

Also- I did about half a trimester worth of reading in 2 hours.  I am officially mighty. 

Either some deity decided to like me or Tribulus Terrestris is a miracle drug of a plant.  I don't care which.  

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Buh, tired.  Too much walking and driving today.  

Went to the college I'm pretty much definitely going to attend this fall.  Nice place, apparently has a 'straight undercurrent' rather than a gay one.  Got the whole trans thing presented.  Doesn't look like it'll be too big a problem, but nobody's ever transitioned while at that school, either.  :/  It'll be interesting, with surgeries and roommates and all that.

And I just realized that my school's closed on the Day of Silence. >_<   That's more'n a little annoying.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

So many memories.

Mah poor baby's dieing again.  -_-  

...of course, when I say baby I mean computer I've had so long that, were it truly a child, it would likely be in 1st or 2nd grade.

And when I say dieing I mean, the hard drive's going.  :(  Almost died completely before going Zombie on me like a good little computer. So I'm getting  a replacement tomorrow.  

And when I say again I mean this is the third or fourth fraggin' time THIS SCHOOL YEAR.  I know it's old, but bejeebus, can apple PLEASE make a hard drive for my computer that can last a trimester?  Sheesh.

Monday, April 14, 2008


I have discovered the secret to the gym!  It is wearing a binder instead of sports bra, going when the weights room is empty, and actually using treadmills.    8 minutes on that thing... still loopy.   Or maybe that's just headache.  o__O

I've been thinking about mermaids lately, since this girl on AVEN said that TSs tend to like mermaids because you can't see anything *down there*.  Being 17 and a fan of futurama rather than 5, my first thought was "Transsexuals would rather have fish parts than boy/girl parts?".   So, yeah, they've been sitting on my mind.  Something about them always bugged me.  i think I finally figured it out.  

Mermaid tails should not be the way they are.  They swim like whales, but have scales and fins instead of flukes.   For mermaids to really be half fish, their fish-half has to be turned 90ยบ from the body.   I think the spine actually stays in roughly the same place, but this kills any symmetry (fish aren't that symmetrical up & down)    And the way the tail bends?  Have you seen a fish bend at that angle?  Or any spine?  

I know they're mythical, but centaurs: The horse half is a horse.  It's not expected to bend at awkard angles or twist from what it normally is.  Yeah, I tried to picture something with the lower half an actual fish tail, and it's actually kind of creepy, but that doesn't excuse every single mermaid to be all off like that.   

This doesn't actually have a point.  I just don't get mermaids.  And now I want a real mermaid with an actual fish tail.  But I have homework to do.   >_> 


You'd think after...  Ok, know what, I haven't actually got a clue how many years I've suffered from this monthly cycle of pain and bleeding.  I think it's been at least 5.     So, starting again.  You'd think after 60+ months I'd actually have the schedule down.  You'd think.   But, being the stubborn little genius I am, it still catches me by surprise.  Ok, actually, I've gotten a bit better at guessing within a few days these past 2 times, just ignored it.

bluh, and it hurts.  which means that I was a lazy bastard and didn't go to the gym the last 2 weeks and now I get to drag myself over to it and get to working out while in pain.  lucky me.  I hate the gym.  It's an evil place.  And everyone in the weight room is male and in shape and lifting twice as much as me.  And everyone in the other room with all the running machines and stuff is female.  

I thought we'd'a grown out of this phase after grade school. -_-

Saturday, April 12, 2008


I am seriously freaking sick of mom.  I know, it's hard.  But she's not listening to me.  She won't accept it.  She can't accept it.

"Just because you're values are different than the girls on your hall, and my sister's... my values were different than my roommate."  I didn't realize that taking 'girl' to be a deep insult was a value.

"I'm sorry you live in a school and society that devalues women"   Because it really values transsexuals. We are so far up the list of people that have full rights and no fear of not getting a job because of who you are.  Right up there with gays.  And I'm going to a gender that can't wear dresses and is more likely to get beat up or drafted.  There is a large list of negatives here, lady.

It ended with her starting to say something, then telling me to do the dishes.  *sigh*  I don't know what to do with this.  

Friday, April 11, 2008


I hate my pants. Not all my pants, just the tight, show-your-figure, flare ones. I hate them. I hate my figure, I hate the constriction, I hate that I can't get the crotch of the jeans far from my crotch (it's just creepy having something right there, especially when I walk), I hate that when I finally decide to pack that it'll be too obvious in these.  I hate that I can't wear my pajama pants to class, and that all my normal pants aren't clean.

I hate that mom buys me girl clothes. I hate that it's a giant struggle to get clothes I like. I hate how mom acts like it's a personal blow that her baby girl likes boy clothes. I hate how she won't even consider that her baby girl is her baby boy. I hate that I'm willing to buy my own clothes, but can't get there. I hate that I don't have a car or license and have to rely on my parents to take me places. I hate that my parents call me a girl, especially when I finally got that blessed 'he'.  I hate that mom assumed I liked ripped clothes when I just hate shopping so much my clothes are falling apart.

I hate that mom won't listen to me. I hate that she wouldn't get me a binder because she doesn't know the health risks.  I hate that I have to wear a shirt under my binder to keep it from itching.  I REALLY hate living in the south so close to summer.  I hate that the dangerous Ace-bandage method hurt less than every bra I've ever worn.  I hate Victoria's Secret. I hate the women's department. I hate feeling like I shouldn't shop in men's. I hate that boys always get the coolest shirts and I'm stuck rooting through an innuendo-filled stack for something that doesn't say "whore" quite so loudly. Is it any wonder I just get all my shirts at museums?

I hate feeling girly just because I like guyxguy.  I hate that I'm supposed to wait for prince charming to scoop me up.   I hate that prince charming is always straight, and tries to grab me anyways.  I hate that boys can't wear dresses but girls can wear pants.  I hate it when girls pour on perfume so I gag next to them.  I hate being called a lady and having to listen to girls babble on about their love lives.  I hate prom, I hate formal gowns, I hate the drama, I hate hearing doors slam, I hate the pity of "she couldn't get a date".  I hate that it's still she.  

I hate feeling like I have to hide myself on hall.  I hate almost saying what REALLY defines me as a woman, what I'd REALLY name myself, only to realize I'm too scared to come out.  I hate that this school will not be supportive.  I hate that I have to use the women's bathrooms.  I hate that it feels like I'll never be called a boy.  I hate that it takes 4 weeks to deliver a mango.  I hate that I need a note to start HRT.  I hate that I couldn't do this yesterday, or a hundred yesterdays ago, or back before puberty started.    

I hate people that ask me why I have to get surgery.  I hate people that say they still see me as a girl even after I came out to them 3 months ago.  I really hate when they get all perverted and tell me they're picturing me as some slim, full-figured bimbo that's all hot and sweaty after a workout.  I hate people who act like they're trying to accept me as male is harder than me being TS.  I hate the "she could be a dude" jokes.  I hate that there's nothing worse than to find out your girlfriend is a post-op MtF.

And I still hate my pants.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Gender Bender

(yes, as you may've noticed, i tend to babble and put about 5 posts a day.  This'll peter out to one a month, then go back to this.  I am a sine wave in the world of blogging.)

I'm a tad gender-blind.  I tend to have a harder time reading genders.  I don't think I actually realized that boys don't wear skirts until I got to kindergarten.  (I still think something incredibly pivotal happened that year and I have NO IDEA WHAT)  And even now, when I wear skirts, it's got nothing to do with dressing like a girl.  I just like skirts, they're fun, and they don't show your figure as much (at least not the ones I wear).    I only wear them where it's okay for guys to wear them, too, so you don't get called a girl for it.  Like on halloween or at cons.  

So, because of this, I don't always have the best grasp on who does waht.  And anything I did as a kid that seems girly I notice and amplify as "gah, I'm such a girl" and anything I did that isn't girly or is boyish I dismiss as "everyone did that". 

It's not like I'm worried I'm not a boy, I know what I am.  But transitioning when you can't convince a therapist you are?  Or when you feel like even other transgenderists won't take you seriously?  That seems like it'd be hard.


Homophobia is one thing I don't understand.  Not the thing itself, but the things that get called homophobic.  "I'm not gay, please don't call me that" makes you a homophobe.  No, really, it does.  I once complained that wearing a rainbow got you called gay and got cursed out for being unsupportive of gays.  I was annoyed how people (who almost always seem to be straight and near-homophobes themselves) call you gay out of ignorance, and had explained that.  How is that homophobic?  Oh, right, because I had the gall to say I wasn't something and in saying that am clearly making my feelings known in that I AM NOT GAY means GAYS ARE BAD.  Because if you're not something, you have to be against it.

And, if you're wondering, my "out of ignorance" reasons?  As it turns out, you're gay if you:  
  1. Like rainbows (personally, I think they shouldn't be a symbol of anything.  If they must, make it ALL diversity, not just gay/lesbian.)
  2. Are asexual ("Are you sure you aren't just gay and ashamed?")
  3. Are transsexual ("Are you sure you aren't just making it easier on yourself?"  It applies more if you came out as gay first, but if you like the same-gender/are bisexual it still can)
  4. At all act like the opposite sex.  
  5. Hug a member of the same sex.  (girls do that all the time!  what about me is so dagg lesbian?!  I'm not even attracted to girls)
I'm sure I'm missing some.  

Also, the term.  "homophobia".  phobia=fear.  But it isn't used as in "afraid of gays" but "hatred of gays".   Do we just have a shortness of suffixes or something?  Why couldn't we at least come up with one that's accurate?  You can hate something without fearing it, and fear it without hating it.  (ex- I love spiders, they're fascinating, do not put me in the same room as one 'cuz I'm a total arachnophobe)

Monday, April 7, 2008

How To Respect...

Somebody on Laura's posted this the other day, it's pretty useful for people to know and things most people might not think about/be confused on. ^_^

Sunday, April 6, 2008


You know all those "to get to the rainbow you have to endure the rain" sayings?  Well, as it turns out, they're wrong.

A while back I saw a rainbow. Pretty good one, stretched across most of the sky.  There hadn't actually been rain in my area in a few days when I saw it, too.  So, once in awhile, you get a rainbow and don't actually have to wait through a storm.

Then, I happen to like the rain.  So how fun would life be if all rainbows were like that? 


Hey, if you're reading this it probably means I actually got around to mentioning this elsewhere.  Go me.  

I sort of suck at blogging, and some of this will probably be some FtM (female to male transsexual.  Still confused?  Call me a boy and we'll get along fine) angst as well, so just a warning there if you think it's wrong or whatever.   

So, yeah, a bit about me:  I'm 17, a senior in highschool, like drawing and have 2 webcomics, plan on majoring in biology & geology and going into paleontology.  So, basically,  I'm a geek.