Friday, June 13, 2008

why did we bring her?

So today, for pretty much the first time, mom came to the campus with us for one of those stupid admitted student days. ... >_<

I normally wouldn't mind, but I can't get her to call me a boy and she talks. and talks. and taaallks. To everyone, often mentioning me. Yes, that's wonderful. I now go from having to tell people who don't know me I'm a boy to telling people who not only know me as a girl, but have heard it from my freaking mother. I've got enough to worry about with stupid single-sex locker rooms, and now this. Wonderful, really.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

graduation gift

So, just opened my graduation gift from mom.  It's a CD from someone that's pretty religious, Martina.  Christianity and me react like matter and anti-matter, but she keeps insisting I'm Catholic.  So, okay then.  I've heard one of her songs, she's not bad or anything, I can live with references to Jesus and sin even though they're in English so I can't deny it, but here's what gets me.

She's a butterfly, This One's for the girls, reluctant daughter, in my daughter's eyes.  

Yes, I could be digging into this.  Another song is about a girl who's clearly not pure the day before her wedding and "what the %!#@$ is she doing wearing white?!" tone.   When You Love Me: "In your arms I'm free/to just be a woman".  How Far: Basically, what you're doing hurts me, I can't accept it right now, so I'm leaving.  

There's also "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "God's Will".  Both are songs that I'd like except, well, they make me cry.  

I really might be digging into this.  But... she's the one who won't accept it.  If she weren't the person trying to convince me I'm a girl and getting upset over boxers, it'd be okay.  But now it just feels like she's trying an indirect approach.  It sucks.

There are 2 songs with lyrics that are at all tolerable on the subject.  
Fear gu aois, is bean gu bàs -- A son is a son until he comes of age; a daughter is a daughter all her life

Apparently gaelic or something, tattoo idea I stumbled on (no tattoo for Ryan! Ryan hasn't the pain tolerance!). Heh. All I can think is "now you can say 'daddy's little girl' in two different languages!" 

But, yeah, seriously.  Did they disown males after they came of age, or is this just a comment on how women never had freedom?  I'm never good at weird quotes like this.


Meh...  I missed a pretty good chance to come out to a friend.  I wore definitely guy clothing to graduation (pants, shirt, tie, boots as opposed to dress and heels).  So, a friend asked why I went in "guy mode".  I paused, not really sure if I should explain or not.  Decided not to and just left it at "well, htere's a complicated answer"

Yeah, I could've explained it. but it's graduation.  We're all moving out, she's the kind that's sad she won't see these people again, it probably sin't really a great time to say "well, actually, I am a boy".  

Two-oh?! Oh-eight!

I hate wearing anything formal.  I really do.  I feel like a little kid playing dress up.   That this shirt and tie feel a bit big isn't helping that any, either (are ties supposed to go past your belt?  I'm inclined to say "no").

On a "let's give mom a few *more* reasons to kill me" whim, I decided to try and look as masculine as was possible with what I have.  I really don't know if it worked any.  I still just feel like I'm pretending and people might ruffle my hair (I hope not, it took forever to get it to stay in place) and chuckle at the kid trying to be a grown-up.  And I'm graduating today.  Aren't I supposed to be feeling old and wise sometime soon?  Diploma powers activate or something?

Monday, June 2, 2008


I just saw a picture of me from the start of this school year. >_<  guh, I looked so much like a girl.  Not girly or anything, but definitely a girl.  How could I stand it?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Example 1:
If a bio-male with a mortage, a wife, 3 kids and still paying off a car decides hie is no longer willing to deceive hymself and everyone around hym - and comes out as a transgender woman - what do you think usually happens (in the enlightened societies we live in) ?

Hie usually (98% of the time) loses everything.
The lot.

The (bio-male) tg woman is on a fast track
to living on the streets,
selling her body (which she usually hates!),
risking her life from violence as well as through hiv/aids etc,
usually ending up on drugs
and/or intravenous drugs
- just to get a few $$ together to keep on living.

Her decision to be true to herself, is the right of each and every citizen in society. This unfortunate situation comes from other factors.

It is society's condemnation of what she's decided, that IS the problem here.

Society (for the most part) would rather she slit her throat,
than change her life around, make the changes she needs to make and get on with living.

The way for her to seek some hope,
is to go on Social Security for as long as she needs to
until she's transitioned
(can't get a job with a beard and a dress),
until she's saved for the operation
(can't get male-to-female surgery on medicare)
until she's found suitable housing
(some people -don't- want transgenders renting from them)
until she's back on her feet again.

She is only "dysfunctional" as far as Society has a problem with her.

If Society had no problem with her being who she really is,
then she wouldn't be "dysfunctional".

She'd be able to keep that job,
keep paying the mortgage,
maintain contact with the kids,
transition comfortably on the job,
save for surgery or whatever she wants over time,
keep her friends,
keep her support networks in place,
etc... you get the picture?

It is not the individual who's the problem here.

It's the society at large who has the attitude problem.

IF society hired transgender women as equally as anyone else,
if society allowed transgenders to transition on the job,
if society didn't see/have any problem with bearded women in dresses in the workplace,
if society didn't demand that a woman must never have a penis,
if society didn't throw a transgender on the street,
--- then the transgender "problem" would be solved. -it's a site mostly about multiplicity, but this bit is true.  It's not a disorder in the sense that we're a problem- it's a disorder because society creates one.