Thursday, May 29, 2008

Make up your damn mind

If I'm not old enough to say I'm asexual or be totally positive transitioning is a good idea for me, how am I a mature adult capable of all the responsibilities?

Friday, May 23, 2008

I love conventions.  I used a bathroom with multiple stalls for the first time (all the others were the kind where you could lock the door) today.  Now for the good part.

I'm cross-dressing.  I used the men's room in a corset, skirt, heels, and make-up.  I got a weird look but no comments  (dude was talking on his cell in the restroom and I'm the one that's weird?).   The only way that could've been awesomer was if my feet didn't hurt so damn much from the heels.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Calc fun

Earlier in Calculus Maia gave a long discussion about how if we just had a white guy in our pod we'd have some osrt of racial ratio (Maia & me are white, Fola black, Andrew asian).   

Today we had this fun conversation
Maia: (on Andrew's two pierced ears) now you can dress as a girl for halloween!
Andrew: I wouldn't want to dress as a girl!
Me: why not?  It's fun!
Andrew: Yeah, but you dress as a girl every... year.

...I had reasons to not come out, right?  Good ones.  Ones that didn't involve my ineptitude at coming out.  Right?  Possibly involving persecution and ignorance and people not believing.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The ideal male is fully autonomous- financially, physically, and especially emotionally.  He must be capable of standing alone, and he must struggle and even fight to protect what is his- property, reputation, and family.  He must never reveal his vulnerability, and he must eschew all things feminine, including personality traits that are associated with femininity.    -Men & Masculinities (under "Androgyny") least the last part doesn't describe me?     >_>   Even when trying to avoid being too masculine I still manage to.   *headsmack* Not sure how to feel about this.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I may have just found heaven.  It was in the library.  As expected, no dinosaurs.  (the bible belt tried to make me Christian and I turned weirdo Satanic with his own version of creation.  I don't think anyone'd like it.)

There's a section on gender study and sexuality and stuff, including a book on "Men and Masculinity".  Sounds stupid, but anything with Alan Alda and Peter Pan have gotta be entertaining.  I couldn't get those books, because the library closed, but I got a cool one about gender-neutral terms.  Basically goes through and takes things like waitress and waiter and gives the gender neutral equivalents.  It's from 1988, so most of them are actually in use- but it's pretty cool seeing that idiots actually look at this stuff.  I can't imagine what feminism would be like if we had nouns with genders.  I can just see it  "Skirt is masculine?!  This is proof that fashion is a male conspiracy to keep people uncomfortable!".  As it turns out, people forget history faster'n anything.

Did anyone know that a packman is a peddler?  I mean, what has that got to do with eating dots and ghosts?  That's just weird.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

19 days until graduation
10 are actual class days/exams (good luck keeping me here on weekends or that stupid 3 day after-exam-before-graduation period)
This weekend is a con that's sure to cheer me up.

So why does it feel like I'll be stuck in this hell forever?

Saturday, May 17, 2008


No matter what last name I think of, there is a Ryan for it.  Every freaking one.   I mean, I knew it was common, but gahramit EVERY DAMN NAME?!
>_<  If I thought I could, I'd try to get a less common name.  But nuuuu, my brain demands Ryan.  Stupid brain with it's name preferences.  

*sigh*  Ah well.  I think I've got a name. Even though the middle name still needs work, and my last name isn't mom's- which won't make her happy.  Right now my middle name's that of a webcomic character.  And while I do love the comic, that can't be healthy.


Apparently, in Native American tribes, the third gender (Nahdlee) was an effeminate (biologically) male and the fourth gender (Delbah) was a masculine (biologically) woman.  

This kind of throws me into a bit of curiosity.  I'm a bit effeminate.  Not girly in the sense of wanting to be a girl or being a girl or anything, but I can't see myself as being all that masculine and there are a lot of gender roles I probably don't fit.  On both sides.

So, could I be called Nahdlee even though I'm biologically female, mentally male, but a bit more effeminate than most guys might be (or more openly effeminate- I'm very comfortable with my sexuality)?  o_O   Or could I just say "dammit, here's the body I want.  I ain't changing how I'm acting to fit what people think that body should act, and labels just give me a headache"


It's officially too hot to bind with any semblance of comfort.  It's only going to get hotter.  It's funny how much of my time I spend screwed,  what with the asexuality and all.  (yes, I'm certain it's asexual and not demisexual)

On the bright side- I finally got my mango.  It'll take awhile to get used to wearing it, and then some time to make sure mom never sees it, but I'm still happy.

Friday, May 16, 2008

School... it is taunting me.

So, school sent out that there'll be an oppurtunity to record the pronunciation of your name for graduation. 

The only thing stopping me from saying that S-H-A-N-N-O-N is pronounced "Ryan" is that it's probably bad form to cheer  while accepting your diploma.   
I haven't been passing lately.  I haven't really changed anything about my appearance, and I can think of a few hundred reasons for it, but I don't know if these are reasons or just ways to live in a state of denial and pretend I'd pass if it weren'tf or whatever.  It just sucks.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


You get blood out of clothes by pretreating the stain then freezing it until you wash it, right? I hope so. I'll be really annoyed if I stained my pants.

Anyways... As it turns out, doodles are bad for your health. First you start drawing something. Then you add something else. Then you start fleshing the picture out while you flesh out the personality. Now you start figuring out a backstory. Then you realize the pose probably has an interesting story behind it. Now you've got a protagonist (or antagonist, but I generally consider all my characters to be protagonists. Except Zinny) with a bud of a plot forming. And then you realize that the story could go one of two ways and oyu have to choose one.

So, basically, I've got a bud of a story focusing on a transgirl and have to decide if I want to focus on the trans or the girl. As in, do I want the story to be heavily involving her transsexuality, people's reactions to it, her journey, etc. or do Iwant to have an actual plot where this is merely a part of her backstory that can come in handy. The former might be moderately more useful for awareness and such. The latter is what I'd rather do, but it might confuse people. As it turns out, people are easily confused by transsexuals.

And yet I keep writing htem. Even when they aren't transsexuals they manage to change their presentation from time to time. This has been happening since before I actually knew what transgender was.   

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I didn't write it.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I wont risk loosing my family and friends.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I dont believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends im a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to teach me a lesson

I think I remember that last story. Not much about it, but I remember it. I think it was one of the ones where they pick up on a guy at a gay bar, offer to drive him home/take him back to their place and, well... yeah.

Monday, May 12, 2008


I hate forms.  Forms are up there with "things that suck more than anything".
My school has one that asks for gender.  I'm sure, technically, they want legal sex.  But they asked for gender.  So I'm torn between "they asked for it, so tell the truth and let them suffer their own idiocy" and "what if this makes things more difficult and I'm notsure if I want to come out like this".  yup.  fun.

Chances are I'll fill it out truthfully and staple something about transgenderists and the difference between biological sex and gender to it.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


Told my second friend I'm trans.  And (unlike the other idiot) they were really awesome about it.  :D   They're highschool's apparently pretty friendly to LGBT people, which is awesome.  Kinda wish I was there.  Oh well.  :/  

Also, this would seriously suck: "The condition precocious puberty has caused menstruation to occur in girls as young as eight months old."   (quote from Wiki, article from snopes)

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Refusing to even try to accept your child should be considered child abuse.  Any parent that goes around trying to "fix" their kids sexuality, gender, or anything else really shouldn't be a parent.  I'ms ure plenty will disagree about this, especially hte more religious, but who you were born to was a random accident.  I know the biology of it isn't, but if a person isn't willing to consider that their genes or whatever controls this stuff contributed to someone who's gay, trans, bi, whatever- maybe we should reconsider letting them be the ones to raise the child.

Friday, May 9, 2008


So, I don't know for sure, but I've got a feeling I might have fibroids.  Or at least that something's wrong down there. Fibroids would make sense, though.  I don't know what 'heavy flow' is, don't pay attention, but some of hte other symptoms I have and it'd explain why my periods went from pain free to excruciating in just a few years.  And if not, well, it might turn out to be something else while I'm finding out.

The problem is... I don't want to find out.  I'd have to go to the gynecologist, have them poke around inside me, and possibly go through several other procedures involving things being inside my uterus.  I don't want to go through that.  and then it's probably expensive, who knows what the cost of fixing it would be, and dad's insurance is wonky.  I don't know, I just don't feel like I can deal with this right now.  (3 counselor's have told me I worry too much over my parents' finances, so, that's not helping.)

And who'm I supposed to ask?  I don't want to ask either parent.  It's just weird talking about girl problems with your dad, and mom can be weird when it comes to medical junk.  I had a cyst and she told me to put heat on it, which turned out to be the worst thing you could do.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Y'all are idiots, even thee.

Why do people waste so much time trying to find a PC gender neutral pronoun, when 2nd person singular would be so much more useful for the entire population?

Also: If no one gets insulted being called one plural pronoun (you), they shouldn't bitch about one more (they).

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

the AP Exam strikes back

Today I had to take the Calculus AP. 4 sections, about 45-55 minutes each. Should've taken 3 hours 15 minutes, I'd be out by 11:30 to have a nice, leisurely hour and a half for lunch and recuperation before my German quiz- right? WRONG! Somehow it managed to go over so it took more than 4.5 hours. Guh. If they'd let me sit down, take it, and leave- I probably would've been out by 10:45. But instead they had to elongate it, meaning I got back to my room 10 minutes before class, said "fuck this" and spent the next hour and a half drawing (I missed the airbrush tool). Eh, I've never skipped a class before- and this was an emergency.

Also- my exam attacked me. I'm not joking. I opened the page to one of the free responses and it stabbed me with a staple. This sucker didn't really go deep, thankfully (it'd've pierce straight through my finger!), but it went long. So I spent the exam writing, wincing, and fretting that it might get infected and the nurse closes before we got out. Not a happy day.

So- to whoever grades my exam, please be careful. That stapler's wily and it's got a taste for human blood.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Only after one thing

I should never have picked up a Clockwork Orange today.  Not this close to exams... Anyways, {spoiler}I just got to the part where Alex raped those two 10 yo.  10.  He's only 15, I know, but still.  That's a bit pathetic.{/spoiler}  And I know that not all guys would do something so horrible, logically I know he's psycho and an exception.  But there's this annoying little bit of my brain that's not so sure.  I pretty much had to stop right there and evaluate.  I'm nowhere near feminist enough to think all men are scum.  

So, I traced it back.  I had a "boyfriend".  Y'know how toddlers will constantly ask you for something until you say yes?  He did that.  He also stole my dragon hoodie, ignored me after he moved only to say henever cared about me, bad talked me on his blog and to my friends after I dumped him, and in general was a freaking matyr-complex of an idiot.  

He's not the problem.  I mean, he kind of coerced/forced me to do stuff, but whatever.  I'm really at the point of asexuality where that stuff doesn't matter.  I was just thrown that he'd want to and was like "um... okay then."  The problem was everyone else.  My friends didn't know him, but they assumed he was great.  They kept making excuses for him, and one actually yelled at me because I told him I'd never want to have sex (no boy would want a girl like that!).  

Overall the feel I got was that people expect boys to do that.  They expect them to be oversexual, selfish, ignorant of the feelings of other, and therefore allowed to get away with it.  Yeah, maybe they didn't know the whole story, but I did.  I was there.   And the logic center of my brain got shunted aside in favor of "Guys are expected to treat people like this"

so... dunno.  But I might be able to blame this on my near unwillingness to try and be masculine.  I don't want to be like that, or to have people assume I am.

Don't hit girls

I don't like sexism, even the "positive" stuff like "I'd never hit a woman".  Why?  Partly because if a girl is beating the snot out of a boy- he shouldn't get in trouble for defending himself.  But it's more because I dislike bullying in general.

It shouldn't be "I'd never hit a girl."  It should be "I'd never hit anyone".  No violence against women is a good thing, really it is.  But why are we focusing on one part of the population?  Why not no violence against ANYONE? 

It'd probably be more effective.  If someone's in the habit of solving problems with their fists- then when the logic center of their brain takes a vacation and anger takes over, they're more likely to punch a girl (or anyone, for that matter) than someone that's never hit a person in their life.  Not that this is foolproof logic or anything.

Monday, May 5, 2008

I just really love Calpernia

VideoJug: Transgender: What Does It Mean?
Hate school.  Hate comics.  Hate contests.  Hate everything that eats up my time.

Guh, for about a week now I've really wanted to draw my two trans characters (Yes, I'm a horrible person- I've got majority asexual and just 2 transsexual characters.)  with the caption "Don't Pass, Just Be".  Why?   because I'm weird.  But I can't right now.

I have to draw comics.  I have to draw prizes. I SERIOUSLY FREAKING NEED to study for AP exams.  I want to do all these things, except maybe the last one, but then whens omething comes up that I want to do more... well, the "I want to do this" is outshadowed by the "but I really wanna do that".

Wait.. what?

First: I hate cutting up fetal pigs.  Could we please at least wait for the poor thing to be born and live a good life before we soak it in formaldehyde? 

Aaanyways.   There are two (girls?) at my school that have got some serious androgyny going on.  One looks seriously like a guy, the other you can see the girl but looks more male.  No idea if either are trans, lesbian, whatever.  Just saying they do.

The more androgynous one, she dresses it.  I mean, they both do, but that she does is the point of tonights rant.  See, the other day I overheard her and a guy gossiping about this guy that was wearing girl jeans.  This is okay on its own, if I saw a guy in girl clothes I'd probably be pleased by the pretty and mention it- but it's the way they talked about it, saying it was some horrible thing for a guy to wear girls' clothes.

While one of those girls was wearing guys' clothes.   

Double standard, anyone?  >_<

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I have a certain amount of loathing for anyone that starts transition before/at the start of puberty.  Not like "dammnit, why couldn't I..." because I know the long list of answers.  I just wish they had to go through it.  I want to force the wrong puberty on the cisgendered.  There are certain things in life everyone should experience.  One of them is menstruation, the other is the wrong puberty.  The latter's more important.  If everyone was trans, well, the surgeries would be a LOT better for both.  "Phalloplasty?  No problem!  Heck, they work better than the real ones"  It would happen.  
And the periods are because I'm pretty sure that if men started bleeding from their balls there'd be a very different reaction than when women start the monthly blood letting.  And it'd probably be funny.