Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Only after one thing

I should never have picked up a Clockwork Orange today.  Not this close to exams... Anyways, {spoiler}I just got to the part where Alex raped those two 10 yo.  10.  He's only 15, I know, but still.  That's a bit pathetic.{/spoiler}  And I know that not all guys would do something so horrible, logically I know he's psycho and an exception.  But there's this annoying little bit of my brain that's not so sure.  I pretty much had to stop right there and evaluate.  I'm nowhere near feminist enough to think all men are scum.  

So, I traced it back.  I had a "boyfriend".  Y'know how toddlers will constantly ask you for something until you say yes?  He did that.  He also stole my dragon hoodie, ignored me after he moved only to say henever cared about me, bad talked me on his blog and to my friends after I dumped him, and in general was a freaking matyr-complex of an idiot.  

He's not the problem.  I mean, he kind of coerced/forced me to do stuff, but whatever.  I'm really at the point of asexuality where that stuff doesn't matter.  I was just thrown that he'd want to and was like "um... okay then."  The problem was everyone else.  My friends didn't know him, but they assumed he was great.  They kept making excuses for him, and one actually yelled at me because I told him I'd never want to have sex (no boy would want a girl like that!).  

Overall the feel I got was that people expect boys to do that.  They expect them to be oversexual, selfish, ignorant of the feelings of other, and therefore allowed to get away with it.  Yeah, maybe they didn't know the whole story, but I did.  I was there.   And the logic center of my brain got shunted aside in favor of "Guys are expected to treat people like this"

so... dunno.  But I might be able to blame this on my near unwillingness to try and be masculine.  I don't want to be like that, or to have people assume I am.


Yew Berry Castle said...

Hey Ry! Being a guy or being masculine doesn't mean you have to incorporate the bad aspects of maleness into your character. there are so many nice guys out there who are comfortable with being male but are still real nice people, intelligent, educated, caring, gentlemanly... Don't beat yourself up over this. I know you'll find your way, one that will suit you and with which you will be happy.

Ry said...

I know... logically, at least. But part of me still worries that people'll expect me to act like that or whatever. I've heard some pretty idiotic stuff about how you have to act to be a guy.

And then I'm not sure if half of the girly stuff I do is because I don't want to be seen as masculine or just because I'm like that.

Ry said...

Also, my door's covered with "What defines you as a woman" (gag, I hated that assignment. Wish I'd thought to write "Ask an MtF"). Most of them are things about caring and being nice and junk. And while I'm sitting there going "Guys can be that too" I'm also doubting if enough of them are to matter.

Yew Berry Castle said...

I hated that assignment

I hated sitting in French literature class, me and 10 girls, and the teacher saying: "as a male how do you feel about [insert: women's rights / feminism etc]"


Ry said...

Ugh. that's just dumb. Some people are against it, some are in favor, some are apathetic- applies to everyone. Did she at least ask the girls, too?

Yew Berry Castle said...

No. She just wanted to make me uncomfortable. And she succeeded.

Btw, what girly stuff?