Name Change

It is surprisingly hard to find legal information about transitioning in my state. I can't even find what makes you legally allowed to change your sex markers.  Anyways, since I'm getting a bit tetchy about copyright law and want to start signing my works, I'd rather change my name within a year so I can start doing that and feel like using my boy name will hold up in court.

I mean, not that it's hard to change oyur name.  I dropped a last name when I was a kid, but it's one thing to drop a last name or go from a somewhat gender neutral (my girl name's not unheard of for guys) to another somewhat gender neutral name.  But, um, I'm pretty sure a girl going to "Ryan" will raise some eyebrows.  So, I don't know when you're supposed to wait or if the law here'll be lame and go "Change your name with your sex".    I stll don't know when I can do that here.

I wouldn't mind waiting- but with this Orphan Works thing the idiots on high are coming up with, I'd rather not add another bit of confusion into the mix.

OBGYN

My biggest fear is the gynecologist.  Sure, I've got a lot of little fears, like bugs and other creepy crawlies, but this is a big one.  I have a vague idea of what goes on, and it's horrifying.  I think I need one for both T and the hystorectomy.  

hnnh... hnhnhnhnhnhnnnnn  D:  I do not like this idea.  I don't know what I'm gonna do with this.  I want to start T this summer.  I do, relaly.  I want ot be done transitioning before I graduate college.  I know I'll be happy and it'll be naught but a bad dream in a few months, but I'm terrified about the very thought of it.

Sir

I was 'sir'd this afternoon.  Dad says I've been passing and getting 'he'd for awhile, but this is the first time I've heard it first hand.

Unlike the rest of the past 2 weeks, I did not die after getting back from the gym- Ry's getting stronger.  And that's with 1/10 the normal level of testosterone (I think that's right).

Also- I did about half a trimester worth of reading in 2 hours.  I am officially mighty. 

Either some deity decided to like me or Tribulus Terrestris is a miracle drug of a plant.  I don't care which.  

Buh, tired.  Too much walking and driving today.  

Went to the college I'm pretty much definitely going to attend this fall.  Nice place, apparently has a 'straight undercurrent' rather than a gay one.  Got the whole trans thing presented.  Doesn't look like it'll be too big a problem, but nobody's ever transitioned while at that school, either.  :/  It'll be interesting, with surgeries and roommates and all that.

And I just realized that my school's closed on the Day of Silence. >_<   That's more'n a little annoying.

Mothers

I am seriously freaking sick of mom.  I know, it's hard.  But she's not listening to me.  She won't accept it.  She can't accept it.

"Just because you're values are different than the girls on your hall, and my sister's... my values were different than my roommate."  I didn't realize that taking 'girl' to be a deep insult was a value.

"I'm sorry you live in a school and society that devalues women"   Because it really values transsexuals. We are so far up the list of people that have full rights and no fear of not getting a job because of who you are.  Right up there with gays.  And I'm going to a gender that can't wear dresses and is more likely to get beat up or drafted.  There is a large list of negatives here, lady.

It ended with her starting to say something, then telling me to do the dishes.  *sigh*  I don't know what to do with this.  

Pants

I hate my pants. Not all my pants, just the tight, show-your-figure, flare ones. I hate them. I hate my figure, I hate the constriction, I hate that I can't get the crotch of the jeans far from my crotch (it's just creepy having something right there, especially when I walk), I hate that when I finally decide to pack that it'll be too obvious in these.  I hate that I can't wear my pajama pants to class, and that all my normal pants aren't clean.

I hate that mom buys me girl clothes. I hate that it's a giant struggle to get clothes I like. I hate how mom acts like it's a personal blow that her baby girl likes boy clothes. I hate how she won't even consider that her baby girl is her baby boy. I hate that I'm willing to buy my own clothes, but can't get there. I hate that I don't have a car or license and have to rely on my parents to take me places. I hate that my parents call me a girl, especially when I finally got that blessed 'he'.  I hate that mom assumed I liked ripped clothes when I just hate shopping so much my clothes are falling apart.

I hate that mom won't listen to me. I hate that she wouldn't get me a binder because she doesn't know the health risks.  I hate that I have to wear a shirt under my binder to keep it from itching.  I REALLY hate living in the south so close to summer.  I hate that the dangerous Ace-bandage method hurt less than every bra I've ever worn.  I hate Victoria's Secret. I hate the women's department. I hate feeling like I shouldn't shop in men's. I hate that boys always get the coolest shirts and I'm stuck rooting through an innuendo-filled stack for something that doesn't say "whore" quite so loudly. Is it any wonder I just get all my shirts at museums?

I hate feeling girly just because I like guyxguy.  I hate that I'm supposed to wait for prince charming to scoop me up.   I hate that prince charming is always straight, and tries to grab me anyways.  I hate that boys can't wear dresses but girls can wear pants.  I hate it when girls pour on perfume so I gag next to them.  I hate being called a lady and having to listen to girls babble on about their love lives.  I hate prom, I hate formal gowns, I hate the drama, I hate hearing doors slam, I hate the pity of "she couldn't get a date".  I hate that it's still she.  

I hate feeling like I have to hide myself on hall.  I hate almost saying what REALLY defines me as a woman, what I'd REALLY name myself, only to realize I'm too scared to come out.  I hate that this school will not be supportive.  I hate that I have to use the women's bathrooms.  I hate that it feels like I'll never be called a boy.  I hate that it takes 4 weeks to deliver a mango.  I hate that I need a note to start HRT.  I hate that I couldn't do this yesterday, or a hundred yesterdays ago, or back before puberty started.    

I hate people that ask me why I have to get surgery.  I hate people that say they still see me as a girl even after I came out to them 3 months ago.  I really hate when they get all perverted and tell me they're picturing me as some slim, full-figured bimbo that's all hot and sweaty after a workout.  I hate people who act like they're trying to accept me as male is harder than me being TS.  I hate the "she could be a dude" jokes.  I hate that there's nothing worse than to find out your girlfriend is a post-op MtF.

And I still hate my pants.

Gender Bender

(yes, as you may've noticed, i tend to babble and put about 5 posts a day.  This'll peter out to one a month, then go back to this.  I am a sine wave in the world of blogging.)

I'm a tad gender-blind.  I tend to have a harder time reading genders.  I don't think I actually realized that boys don't wear skirts until I got to kindergarten.  (I still think something incredibly pivotal happened that year and I have NO IDEA WHAT)  And even now, when I wear skirts, it's got nothing to do with dressing like a girl.  I just like skirts, they're fun, and they don't show your figure as much (at least not the ones I wear).    I only wear them where it's okay for guys to wear them, too, so you don't get called a girl for it.  Like on halloween or at cons.  

So, because of this, I don't always have the best grasp on who does waht.  And anything I did as a kid that seems girly I notice and amplify as "gah, I'm such a girl" and anything I did that isn't girly or is boyish I dismiss as "everyone did that". 

It's not like I'm worried I'm not a boy, I know what I am.  But transitioning when you can't convince a therapist you are?  Or when you feel like even other transgenderists won't take you seriously?  That seems like it'd be hard.

How To Respect...

Somebody on Laura's posted this the other day, it's pretty useful for people to know and things most people might not think about/be confused on. ^_^

How to Respect a TG Person

Hey

Hey, if you're reading this it probably means I actually got around to mentioning this elsewhere.  Go me.  

I sort of suck at blogging, and some of this will probably be some FtM (female to male transsexual.  Still confused?  Call me a boy and we'll get along fine) angst as well, so just a warning there if you think it's wrong or whatever.   

So, yeah, a bit about me:  I'm 17, a senior in highschool, like drawing and have 2 webcomics, plan on majoring in biology & geology and going into paleontology.  So, basically,  I'm a geek.